new week and memories about an old boss
To be fairly honest. I used to hate Mondays. Because it meant a new week of overwhelming work while trying to keep the monsters at bay (looking at you, Anxiety). I tried so fucking hard to be normal, to Exceed Expectations.
There was a boss I had back when I was in H. K was just an account director back then. But he had the aura of someone who would go very far on the ladder. He was always composed (I have never seen him frazzled). He was the one who we look to for help when everything seems to be on fire.
Naturally, I admired him to the point of idolisation. I think several of my team members did too. He always had the solutions when we were all stuck. He managed to charm the most difficult clients. He was the first in the office and the last to leave. Sometimes this meant 8am to 11pm.
All I could think of was that I really want to be like him. Maybe if I was like him I could succeed to. He was very quickly promoted through ranks.
And he had shown signs that he saw my talent and wanted to raise me up alongside him. So I did my best at work. Even though on some days I cried in the stairwell because the pressure was too much.
Things were going smooth (or so I thought). And then 2 deaths in my family happened in 2018. I broke down completely. And even though I had medication now to stabilise things, I was obviously not as productive or efficient as I was before. I was grieving. It did not take more than 2 months before K call me into a meeting room to tell me that I need to buck up if not I will fall behind. I think it was then that he gave up on me.
Again, I was grieving. I did not see the point in working so hard when I am filled with pain. I started crying in the office at my desk because I was not well. I was diagnosed with GAD and MDD around that same time. I knew that it could not continue. I did my best to get by.
One day though, his harsher comments in the company group chat triggered my anxiety. He said something to the extent of "if you guys don't get this fixed by today you better watch out." That was when I broke and spiraled. I told my HR person that I was resigning that very day. If I am not allowed to I will actually walk out of the company's 20th floor office window.
It has been more than 7 years, and now I can see things so much clearer. I am thankful for the skills he taught me. How to speak to clients who seem on the surface to ask for impossible things but when carefully probed, actually are unsure of what they want and were actually waiting for us to guide them. I am thankful for how I learnt to be the calm in the eye of a storm. I am not there yet, but I think I am closer than I was before.
But I cannot forget how he basically told me how he lost him mother a year prior and immediately got back to work. I cannot forget his ignorance of humanity. I cannot forget how he was unable to empathise with such deep grief and how I was punished for it. Yes, I have forgiven. After all, he needed someone who could function no matter if they were dead inside. I was not that person. And I am glad.
Sometimes I would look back and wonder what would have happened if I didn't experience those two deaths. Would I have risen through the ranks and become his right hand man? Would I be a lot further in my career than what I am now?
I know deep down that the level of dedication needed to be that person was not something I could do, sustainably. Even without the deaths I was already exhibiting the signs of straining myself too much. Crying in a stairwell should not be normalised. Working 9am to 11pm should not be normalised. Maybe it works for some people but I cannot. I am unable.
I want to live. I want a life beyond work. I don't want to be married to my job. It may work for some people and I respect that. It is okay to admit that it is not for me.
I think I am doing just that right now. And it is ok.